DOA 5: LAST ROUND (opines and ‘pinions)

DOA.

What can be said about this bombastic series that hasn’t already been said over the past decade or so? That it’s nothing more than a 3D breast simulator? Sure. That it’s just softcore porn thinly disguised as a fighting game? Fine. Or perhaps, that it’s mostly just a clever way to cash in on some overpriced costume packs to clad one of the games many vivacious vixens in? Okay, that last one might hold more leverage than the others, but in any case, they all make decent points.

Despite the obvious negativity straight out the gate, with the fifth iteration of the Dead or Alive series, the first one, coincidentally, without series creator Tomonobu Itagaki at the helm, we’re introduced to some new mechanics, new faces, new places, and just a generally welcome breath of fresh air. Which, technically(?), should be seen as a feat considering it’s the third iteration of the fifth iteration.

Now I’m not the biggest DoA fan out there, but I’ve played enough to garner an opinion on it. And yes, I’ve actually played it. That means I sincerely wanted to spend time with the characters and learn each of their unique fighting styles and maneuvers. Instead of, you know, spending countless hours dressing the females up in the skimpiest costumes ever conceived in a fighting game to take pictures of them by zooming… tilting… angling…. Yeah. I mean, that’s fine if that’s all you do, you’re getting your money’s worth I’m sure.

Simply said, the game is gorgeous. The character models are a massive improvement away from its predecessor, DOA 4. Gone are the barbie doll-esque plastic facial features, replaced by an honest attempt at human skin, complete with sweat! And okay, sure, the sweat could be seen as giving nods to elsewhere but still, it’s a step towards realism. The females look feminine, the males look manly; everything just feels escalated to a new level.

…Including the new boob setting, aptly titled “OMG”. Personally, I’ve yet to even tinker with the breast settings (too busy trying to topple Arcade on ‘Legend’ without being KO’d) but apparently it’s supposed to just obliterate any sense of established physics where chest melons are concerned. True? I dunno, not really all that gassed to find out firsthand.

Moving onto the story… well, yeah, there is technically a story there, sure, but it’s hardly worth mentioning. The main event as usual, the DOA Tournament, actually has less of a presence in this iteration of the series than in any before it. It’s that superfluous. And that annoys me to no end because I really like the DOA characters as a whole, they each seem vibrant and interesting, coupled with eyebrow-lifting back stories, some of which were established in the previous game. But now? Psh. It fills all the necessary craters for a lackluster borefest: cliche’d dialogue, over-the-top reactions, no sense of direction, wonky timeline, and jokes (if that’s what they were even meant to be because I honestly couldn’t tell) that fizzled before they even ignited. Seriously, did they have to make Zack so cringingly unfunny? Anyway, story-wise, the series deserves better, and would probably get better if all the attention didn’t seem to be geared on….

Costumes! You get a costume! And you get a costume! Everybody gets a costuuuume! …At only one easy installment of 14.99$. Now, I’ll be the first to say that just as this game features some of the most risque costumes of the past decade, it also features some of the most prettiest, awe-inspiring, “gotta stop and gawk for a minute” costumes as well. And there’s a bit of a trade-off there. When your character fights, you want them to look good, right? You don’t want them showing up in rags, no, you want them to bust up onto the scene in style. Well, that style can be pricey as hell. Oh sure, each character comes with a nicely ranged set of garments that are free to unlock (the females have ten times more than the men, obviously) but some of the really extravagant ones are going to have you side-glancing your wallet. While your wallet side glances right back as if to say “Don’t you even think about it.” Don’t get me wrong, I’ve bought some costume packs before, and plan on buying some more, but do they seriously think I’m going to drop 92$ on one of their “Ultimate Costume Packs”? That’s more funnier than every single joke told in story mode. …And you already know there are swaths of people just throwing down the bucks, for both that set and the ‘future season costume pack’ DLC, another spectacular armada of clothing options capped at the exact same price.

Yes, it does seem like DOA has been reduced to little more than one of the many thousand dressing simulators out there. But, hey, at least I can knock out my opponent and look flawless while I do it.

And I’d say more, really, I would, I could go on for ten pages about DOA, but that Legend mode is calling me and I’ve just about mastered Honoka. I think.